Loosing You
by TribalWriter
Summary: Shortly following endgame Tom is Voyagers new First Officer and B'Elanna is struggling to find herself with baby Miral. Admiral Janeway offers to support her friend while Tom is away on a short mission but underlying that offer she too is feeling lonely as all of the Voyager crew are getting on with their lives, including Chakotay who is now living off world. A J/C story.
1. Chapter 1

**Loosing You**

 **Chapter 1**

She walked through the rows of flowers as she took in the rich sent. She looked up into the sky and brushed a auburn strand of wet hair from her face and smiled up into the gentle rain fall. This was the first rain she had felt in seven years. Seven years that had ultimately been far too long. It had cost her a great deal to get them all home, she had had the constant heavy burden of the weight of those lives on her shoulder for those seven years and now they where home she was free. Or so she had thought she would be. Yet every day for the last month since they had burst into the alpha quadrant she had come here, this beautiful garden at Starfleet HQ, the memorial garden for all those lost in duty. Somehow it had always been a sanctuary for her since her cadet years. It reminded her of her dad. Now though it held other memories, the sorrowful reminder of all those under her command that she failed, all those who didn't make it back the alpha quadrant. Her mind was wondering and tears began to mix with rain streaming down her face. Taking a deep breath she turned to retreat back in side to her soon to be office when she almost slammed into a male figure who was stood watching her silently. His jet black hair and darker skin where what she saw first as she stepped back a bit to look at her old friend.

"I didn't mean to startle you." He said as his dark eyes met hers.

She smiled softly and lay a hand on his chest as she shook her head at her old friend "no not at all" removing her hand and turning slightly so she stood once more with her back to him she looked at the flowers and sighed saying "I was remembering"

"Indeed" he said stoically "the crew are concerned, it has been noted that you have returned here every day since our return admiral"

Raising an eye brow she turned back to him, placed her hand on her hips and shook her head at the Vulcan "has it indeed mister Tuvok, if I didn't know any better I would have to say you sounded concerned."

Tuvok just raised an eyebrow back at her and said stoically "admiral, it isn't logical to focus on what we have lost. Standing here in the rain will not return our fallen crew members."

Laughing slightly she shook her head and took a deep breath saying "Of course, you're right."

"Nor will it bring Commander Chakotay back to earth." The Vulcan stated matter of fact.

Kathryn's eyes met his like blazing sapphires as she narrowed them and tightened her lips as her deep husky voice growled "Mr Chakotay has made his choice. I am happy for him." Tuvok just stood looking at her with his eyebrow raised, Katheryn Janeway sighed "I am not denying it came as a shock to all of us, to me. I had of course assumed Mr. Chakotay would continue his commission with Starfleet. I had no reason to believe otherwise. He would have made a fine Captain of Voyager, I couldn't have wished for a better officer, a better man, to take her on but I am pleased for him. I am pleased he is settled off world and that he is enjoying what he is doing. I am happy he can carry on his ancient traditions as chief of his people, what's left of them."

"and Voyager?" Tuvok asked his friend as they slowly walked together towards the building.

Kathryn smiled "Will Ricker will make a fine captain and lead her well. Deanna and I where chatting a little at the ceremony, They are a great couple. Of course commander Paris will make a fine first officer, Will and Tom are very similar, I am not sure if Tom and Chakotay would have worked or would have been a disaster waiting to happen."

"indeed" commented Tuvok as he entered Starfleet HQ just a few steps behind the admiral.

Kathryn looked at the wall behind the desk, a wall that used to be adorned with Chakotay's ancient tribal tapestry which was now adorned with a rather large hollo-photo of a 20th century car and she sighed "Commander when are you ever going to grow up?" she asked voyagers new first officer as she sat down in his office.

The younger man just looked blackly at her before stating "Admiral I don't know if that is a question of concern or an insult."

Kathryn snorted and laugh shacking her head before saying "perhaps it's both"

"coming form you admiral I am honoured" Tom replied as he smiled at her.

Her smile faded slightly as she asked him softly with concern "how are you feeling about your new position?"

Tom looked at his deer friend and commanding officer seriously and nodded saying "I'm ok about it till I really stop to think about what this means" Kathryn looked at him confused "I am now first officer" Tom replied "and not just of any ship but of Voyager, it's a large mantle to carry and some pretty big boots of my predecessor to fill."

Kathryn smiled at the compliment Tom had just paid Chakotay. Laughing slightly she nodded and noted "Mr. Chakotay always did have a rather large shoe size."

It was now Toms turn to snigger as he told her "Admiral, you would know, I mean you know what they say about shoe size, a big shoe size means a big..."

"Thank You Tom!" She shouted raising her hand to stop him and shaking her head with her eyes shut and a crooked smile of disapproval on her face. "and WHAT exactly is that supposed to mean, I would know?"

Tom tried to back track, making a comment about Kathryn's sex life with the commander might have been a bad move "nothing admiral, I merely meant... well..." He didn't really know what to say.

Kathryn laughed and he visibly relaxed "for your information Tom, Chakotay and I never- not that it is any of your concern." Tom looked at her, he was stunned, he had been so sure his Captain and his First Officer where 'doing it' that he was unsure what to say. Luckily for him Kathryn also felt a change of conversation was in order as she asked "how's Miral? I would love to see her soon"

Tom's smile beamed as he told her "Miral is doing fine, she certainly takes after her mother when it comes to Klingon anger, no human baby screams THAT loud!"

Kathryn laughed and remarked "looks like you have your work cut out keeping them both happy"

Tom nodded before commenting "B'Elanna and Miral would both love to see you, call round any time you want."

Kathryn nodded and told him "I will"

Tom looked concerned as he asked "please do, I know I am only going to be gone a few weeks but I remember what happened last time we were to be gone a few weeks" Kathryn saw his pain and reached out and took his hand tightly in hers "I need to know they are ok and there are people looking out for them if I, well you know"

Kathryn squeezed his hand reassuringly "I know Tom, I know" Tom looked at her and knew she did understand. He had tried to talk to Deanna Riker about his concerns but she hadn't seemed to fully understand the fear that any of the Voyager crew felt every time they set off on a mission, what if they get lost again and can't make it home? Deanna was comparing it to the fear of being killed on duty, a very real possibility but she didn't seem to understand it was different, it was a unique fear to the voyager crew.

Tom met her eyes and said "B'Elanna isn't as strong as she pretends to be.

"I know" Kathryn agreed "I don't think any of us are, the delta quadrant changed us."

Tom nodded "exactly, and Kathryn I am worried, B'Elanna and Chakotay always had a special relationship. She misses him." Kathryn pulled her hand back from Tom and turned away slightly before nodding her agreement but didn't say a word. The sharp pang of regret and the feeling of being slightly abandoned swept over her again. Tom continued "I think he helped her feel safe out there in the delta quadrant, she's so overwhelmed with a new baby. It's not what she thought" Kathryn looked puzzled "you know having a baby, she, we, thought we would be on voyager, with our family, with support, with you and Chakotay protecting us."

"ahh" said Kathryn nodding her head "and B'Elanna is feeling lonely and with no support here in the Alpha Quadrant and I haven't visited nearly as much as I would have had we been on Voyager and with Chakotay light years away off world..." Her voice trailed off as she said that "I promise you Tom, I will visit her and be there for her, I am sorry I haven't been, the last four weeks have gone by so fast, I've barely seen my own mother."

Tom was reassured, he knew Kathryn would look in on his wife and daughter while he was away and he knew a visit from Kathryn Janeway was just what B'Elanna needed.

"It's normal B'Elanna." Kathryn tried to reassure her friend as she cradled the beautiful little baby in her arms.

B'Elanna was pacing up and down her sitting room in the Starfleet flat she and Tom had moved into with their daughter after Voyagers return so that Tom could continue to work for Starfleet as Voyagers first officer "I don't want to be one of those nagging wives" B'Elanna growled "So weak and can't do anything for themselves."

"Your not!" insited Kathryn "it's only been four weeks since Miral was born and all our worlds got turned upside down, Tom has really only gone for a few weeks. Don't be too hard on yourself." Kathryn stood and walked towards where her friend was stood "she's beautiful Kathryn remarked looking down at the sleeping baby in her arms, she's a miracle"

"I can't believe I am a mother, it felt ok while we were on Voyager with everyone around us but now I wonder if I am cut out to be mother material." Kathryn knew the half Klingon well, she knew when she was coping and when things where too much. This was one of those times when things where too much though Kathryn could see that B'Elanna was trying to cope but everything was overwhelming her.

"B'Elanna?" Katheyn asked softly as he deep caring, wise blue eyes met the dark eyes of her younger friend.

B'Elanna sighed "I never told Tom but when I first discovered I was pregnant I didn't think I could manage it." Kathryn looked her friend in the eyes wishing her to continue "I wanted to terminate" Kathryn was surprised but didn't let on as she reached out her hand and placed it softly on the shoulder of her deal friend as if to will her to continue and to show it was ok. "I was confused, I didn't think a Starship was the place for a baby, least of all one all alone in the Delta Quadrant, I didn't want my child to be Klingon like me"

"It was a difficult and challenging situation" Kathryn nodded in agreement "You are strong, a brave woman and I couldn't think of a better mother that I am more proud of"

"Everything changed so suddenly" B'Elanna pointed out "I wasn't expecting to bring a baby up alone"

Kathryn sighed "I'm sorry B'Elanna I haven't been very good at my Godmother duties. To be honest I haven't had much time for anything but being an admiral since the return."

B'Elanna nodded in reply "I understand" Kathryn smiled a half smile and looked down at the baby still asleep in her arms as B'Elanna said "We are really proud of you for your promotion." Kathryn just smiled back at her friend and squeezed her arm reassuringly but made no reply. B'Elanna was about to carry on reassuring the older woman when her l comm terminal began to beep signifying a long range communication.

"That will probably be Tom checking in" Kathryn pointed out and B'Elanna replied with a nod, I'll take Miral upstairs to bed and then fix us something to eat and let you talk to him.

B'Elanna visibally relaxed, since Mirals birth and Voyagers return she hadn't had any chance to relax and just chat to her husband. "Thanks" she smiled as he moved towards the comm to answer the call.

Kathryn smiled then looked at the baby in her arms saying "Come on little one, let's get you to bed." With that she turned and walked out the room. Just as she began to walk up the stairs B'Elanna answered the comm. "Chakotay!" she heard B'Elanna's voice exclaim with a mixture of excitement and confusion. Kathryn stopped dead in her tracks with one foot on the stairs as she heard her deep, and strong voice say "I finally got onto a comm system and couldn't think of anyone else I would rather talk to and I couldn't wait to see how you and baby Miral are doing." Kathryn smiled a sad crooked smile as she began to climb the stairs tears beginning to form in her eyes.

Kathryn came down the stairs sometime later to hear B'Elanna still on the comm with Chakotay. She smiled as she heared the smile in both their voices. Choosing the simply walk into the kitchen as to not disturb them she began to look around about food. Tom always had been a fan of 20th century things and even their kitchen was set up very much like a 20th century kitchen. Trying to remember what she had learnt about these ancient appliances in her history class she set about making dinner for herself and B'Elanna. She wanted to be happy that Chakotay had contacted his close friend as soon as he had managed to get a comm connection but she was sad that she wouldn't have been on his list of people he wanted to talk to. She and her first officer hadn't parted very well mainly because of her stubborn nature. When he had told her he has resigned from Starfleet and was leaving earth it had felt like a great knife had been wedged into her heart. That was only three weeks ago but it felt like an eternity to her. They had argued and she had accused him of many things she should not have accused him off. He had asked her to be happy for him and come to the transport station to see him off. She hadn't gone. Tom and B'Elanna had gone and told her that though Chakotay had tried not to show it he was gutted she had been 'too busy' to make it but had wanted to wish him well. Kathryn knew although she was busy at Starfleet HQ she could have made it to say farwell to him, she had chosen not to. She knew he would know it too. She sighed heavily as she wiped away the tears she didn't notice she was crying and quickly turned back to the cooking. Just then Miral's cry rang out though the house. Quickly Kathryn walked towards the stitting room to signify to B'Elanna she would go to attend to the baby. As she did B'Elanna smiled at her and mouthed 'thank you' just as Chakotay was asking her "is that Miral? Do you have to go?"

As she turned to climb the stairs to attend to the baby she heard B'Elanna reply "No, it's ok, Kathryn is seeing to it."

Kathryn stopped, B'Elanna didn't know of the argument between her and Chakotay and she didn't really want to have to face that with her there and then. She didn't know what Chakotay's response would be to the knowledge that she had been there the whole time he had been talking with B'Elanna. "Kathryn?" Chakotay asked surprised "is Kathryn with you?"

"Yea" B'Elanna told him innocently "She came to visit on her way home from Starfleet this evening, she's been upstairs settling Miral while we where talking. Then she has started to cook dinner."

Kathryn waited for Chakotay's reply before running up the stairs to see to the crying baby. Though part of her felt wrong for listening and intruding when neither Chakotay nor B'Elanna knew they could hear her but she felt like she had to know his reply. She was dreading what his reply would be, what he did say she had not expected "That would be why there was no answer when I commed her home just before I commed you." Kathryn just stood still at that reply, anyone else might not have heard it but she knew Chakotay's voice. He was relieved, she wasn't sure what about but she knew he was relieved about something. Kathryn didn't have much time to think much on it as she had to hurry upstairs to see to Miral.

As she tended to the baby she thought on the fact that Chakotay had commed her first. Does this mean he wanted to talk to her? What did he want to say? It had only been three weeks since they had argue and she had hurt him by refusing to see him off but it felt like a lifetime, was he too feeling the same? Or was he just wanting to argue with her again. Shaking her head and rocking the baby in her arms she scolded her self saying "get a grip Kathryn, your not a school girl who's boyfriend just dumped you."


	2. Chapter 2

**Loosing You**

 **Chapter 2**

It had been a few minutes since she has settled Miral and Kathryn knew there was nothing keeping her upstairs other than wanting to avoid Chakotay. Taking a deep breath she slowly walked down the stairs. She could hear B'Elanna telling Chakotay all about how Miral had thrown up on Tom's new uniform. She smiled, it was funny but he loved to hear Chakoty's heart laugh more than anything. As she entered the room she smiled at B'Elanna who had just looked at her. B'Elanna was still laughing and said "Kathryn, I was just telling Chakotay about the time Miral threw up on Tom's new uniform."

Kathryn smiled softly back at her friend and said in her rich husky voice "I heard" B'Elanna was confused and concerned for her friend who suddenly seemed very distant. She looked back at Chakotay's face on the screen on the other end of the comm, his dimple smile had gone and his expression was giving nothing away to the half Klingon. What B'Elnanna didn't know was that the older man's heart was pounding and his thoughts were going into overdrive at the sound of Kathryn's distinctive voice even though he couldn't see her.

"is Miral ok?" B'Elanna asked confused why Kathryn was looking so unsure.

Kathryn drew her brows together in confusion, she couldn't understand why Miral wouldn't be ok. Then as though her thoughts were flooding her back into reality and away from Chakotay she almost jumped as she exclaimed "yes" B'Elanna stood in concern, Kathryn raised her hand to motion her friend not to get up as she said softly with a faint smile "she's ok B'Elanna, she's settled back to sleep now" B'Elanna sat down and looked at her friend still feeling confused and concerned "Really B'Elanna" Kathryn insisted. "I should finish cooking tea, you finish you comm chat."

B'Elanna glanced back at Chakotay who was sat awkwardly silent pulling on his ear, B'Elanna knew he did that when he felt uncomfortable or embarrassed. Glancing back at Kathryn she noticed she was acting strangely as she moved towards the kitchen trying to avoid the view of the comm signal. Then it dawned on B'Elanna "all right you two, whats going on?" a very angry Klingon exclaimed looking from the woman who was stood looking at her like a rabbit caught in headlights and the man sat on her comm screen with a blank expression on his face.

"B'Elanna?" Chakotay's voice broke the silence first.

As B'Elanna looked at Kathryn she just stared blankly at her friend. "Am I missing something here?" snapped B'Elanna as she stared back at Chakotay.

"Like what?" His voice rung out in the room form the comm terminal with a slight hint of frustration.

B'Elanna looked at him angrily then snapped her head back to look at Kathryn who was slowly trying to retreat into the kitchen "Kathryn?" she demanded.

"What?" Kathryn hissed through gritted teeth trying to sound innocent but it didn't help the situation, B'Elanna had that look about her, she wasn't going to drop this.

"What's going on?" B'Elanna demanded once more but when silence fell she snapped at Kathryn "You expect me to believe that Chakotay comm's for the time since he left earth three weeks ago and you don't so much as say hi, ask how he is?" Kayhryn opened her moth to say something but before she could B'Elanna turned her attention to the man on the screen as she yelled "and you! You comm me and then when I mention Kathryn's here don't so much as ask to speak to her and get all awkward when she comes back in the room" Chakotay Just blankly pulled on his ear and Kathryn looked away. "well?" hissed a very angry B'Elanna.

"I was just going to cook tea, it's late" Kathyrn tried to reason but it didn't help the situation.

Especially when Chakotay snorted and added "You cook? That would be a fine chance!" even though he couldn't see her.

"Excuse me!" hissed Kathryn directing her attention to the back of the comm screen.

B'Elanna just sat looking form one to the other as Chakotay spat out "Oh no you Kathryn always say you will cook but then always find something else more important and I have to cook like a mug and use _my_ replicator rations."

Kathryn was seething now as she walked slowly around the comm terminal to face him her hands firmly on her hips and her death glare firmly in place as she hissed "If you had helped me out a little with the department head reports I might have had more time too cook.

Chakotay looked at her stood there, her hair neatly in a tight bun, her admirals uniform proudly in place, her command stance and her death glare and he just shook his head at her "look at you" he snapped angrily. Kathyrn pulled a very confused face at him as she pulled her head back in confusion and shook her head. "Standing there in your admiral uniform looking at me like I am some helpless ensign too afraid to say no to you."

Kathryn shook her head, rolled her eyes and threw her hands into the air, that is what this is about, because you said no and I said yes? There really is no reason with you Chakoty"

B'Elanna was shocked, she had no idea that her two dearest friends had fallen out and didn't know what they where arguing about. Deciding she would leave them to it she slowly stood and walked towards the kitchen, neither of them noticed her leave as Chakotay leaned forward in his chair and hissed "No admiral, this is about the fact you can't accept that I said no"

Kathryn raised an eyebrow at him and pursed her lips as she reminded him coldly "You didn't much like the fact I said yes either."

Chakotay leaned back in his chair met her eye as she stood coldly looking at the comm terminal as he reminded her "I came to your promotion ceremony because it is what you asked of me."

Slowly Kathryn lowered herself into the vacant chair and closed her eyes pinching the bride of her nose as she hissed "I was busy Chakotay, otherwise I would have come to see you off."

"Keep telling yourself that admiral" he growled back at her.

Kathryn raised her head and looked at him as he met her eyes daring her to speak. "Chakotay" she said stiffly trying to stay calm "There is no point blaming me, you chose to leave"

"and you don't like it" Chakotay pointed out "why is that Kathryn? Why does it bother you that I said no to Starfleet and left?"

Kathyrn shook her head in frustration "it doesn't" she replied angrily, the only problem was they both knew it was a lie. He had her, if she asked him why it bothered him she took the promotion and stayed in Starfleet, they both knew what the answer would be. Chakotay just sat there looking at her with his dimpled smile. He knew he had won the argument.

Kathryn looked at him, tear in her deep blue eyes as she asked him "Why does it bother you that I took the promotion?"

His smile faltered slightly, he hadn't expected her to ask, she knew what the answer would be and so he expected her to avoid the issue, just like she always did, just like she had for years. Unsure what she wanted he snapped "You know why!"

Kathryn nodded as she met his eyes, raw emotion etched into her tear filled eyes as she decided to say what she had for three months promised herself she would never mention to him "it hurt you know Chakotay" he looked at her confused "it hurt knowing you were warming the bed of another woman those last two month an voyager." It was Chakotay's turn to look stunned as he pulled on his ear, he had no idea she had known, he was wondering if she knew who when he saw a tear roll down her cheek and she cried "but did it have to be her? Did you have to choose _Seven_? She was like a daughter to me?" Chakotay's hand slowly fell of his ear as she looked at this woman before him on the comm, she was crying, there in front of him, dressed as the admiral she was _crying._ What was worse she had known, she knew he had been sleeping with Seven. He closed his eyes and cursed silently in his head. He was about to open his eyes and respond, what with he didn't know, he had no response but he had to say something but Kathryn stood and coldly said "so you see Chakotay, I had no choice, Starfleet or this unbearable betrayal,." she walked away leaving him sat there.

B'Elanna who had heard it all stood wide eyed as she looked at Kathryn walking away from the comm. Then the comm terminal made a beeping sound, Chakotay had cut it off.


	3. Chapter 3

**Loosing You**

 **Chapter 3**

B'Elanna stood there wide eyed in the doorway between the sitting room and the kitchen looking at the back of the beautiful admiral who had turned from her to hide her tear. B'Elanna getting more and more angry as she thought about what she had just heard. It was Kathryn who broke the silence first saying softly "I am sorry you had to hear that."

B'Elanna shook her head and growled "It's that P'Tack that should be saying sorry. He started it by insulting you."

Kathryn turned to face her friend with her deep blue eyes full of emotion she shook her head "B'Elanna I don't want you to fall out with him or get angry just because he and I are having a disagreement.

B'Elanna spat back angrily "is it true?" then hissing through gritted teeth "Chakotay and Seven." Kathryn could see she was trying to hold in her anger and disgust. Kathryn nodded and B'Elanna blurted out "P'Tack!"

Kathryn sighed "I wasn't absolutely sure, even when I accused him just then I didn't know with certainty but now, he didn't deny it."

"How did you find out?" B'Elanna asked gesturing towards the kitchen so she could finish cooking.

Kathryn followed her into the kitchen saying "We grew apart, we had once been close but overtime we lost that closeness." B'Elanna just glared at her friend in disbelief as Kathryn added "I didn't own him. I shouldn't have accused him of betraying me."

"You are defending him?" B'Elanna asked shocked as she chopped at the onions with a kitchen knife.

Kathryn shrugged her shoulders "I had spent seven years pushing him away and telling him it would never happen, I guess he moved on. Who am I to complain when he does?"

B'Elanna looked really confused as she began to fry the onions "I don't understand, you and Chakotay weren't together?"

"no" Kathryn replied.

"What like not ever, never?" B'Elanna asked shocked.

"no" repeated Kathryn.

"wow" B'Elanna gasped truly surprised by this information "We all thought you and Chakotay were..."

"having sex" Kathryn finished off B'Elanna's sentence "that would be a no... not ever"

B'Elanna was still stunned and looked very confused as she asked "but I don't understand, did you like him, I know he liked you"

Kathryn turned to look at B'Elanna as she said seriously "I love him B'Elanna, I always have."

"Then why never?"

"It's more complicated than that, we were so far from earth, I had a duty to the ship, to the crew, that was my priority." Kathryn insisted.

"but we would have understood, we would have been so happy for you both" B'Elanna reassured her and she stirred the chicken into the onions and peppers frying in the pan "we all really wanted you and Chakotay to get together."

"I couldn't, he understood that." Kathryn insisted as she helped prepare the pasta.

"You had talked about it?" B'Elanna asked surprised.

Kathyrn shook her head stirring pasta boiling in the pan "not in so many words" B'Elanna didn't reply she just stared at the older woman. Kathryn threw the wooden spoon in the pan and threw her arms up in the air and snapped "I really don't know, I suppose it was kind of the unspoken thing between us, of course I knew he liked me, who didn't?" B'Elanna just snorted in reply to that as Kathryn added "I liked him too B'Elanna I really did, I just couldn't show it like he could, I was his commanding officer."

B'Elanna finished frying the meat and drained the pasta as she said "we were in the Delta Quadrant Kathryn, command wasn't quite the same as in the Alpha Quadrant" When Kathryn just stared at her she added "well at least it didn't have to be."

Kathryn handed her friend the cheese pasta sauce she had just replicated and sighed saying "perhaps not but it doesn't matter now, I thought I was doing what was right."

"And Seven, when did she come in?" B'Elanna asked stirring all the food of their simple dinner in with the sauce.

"I don't know exactly" Kathryn admitted as she got the plates ready for the food "towards the end of our journey, of course we didn't know that though, but Seven came to me asking about exploring her humanity" B'Elanna snorted and looked at her friend "of course I encouraged it"

"What?" shouted B'Elanna as she plated up the food "you encouraged Seven to explore her humanity by having sex with Chakotay?"

Kathyrn raised an eyebrow as she picked up the plate of food in front of her admitted "not exactly that crude, but yes I suppose"

B'Elanna walked over to the dining rooms setting the plates and asked "what does that mean?"

"it means I encouraged Seven to peruse relationships with members of the crew. I had no idea she had Chakotay in her sights, or that she had t _hat_ kind of relationship in mind" Kathryn admitted sitting at the table to eat dinner with her friend "I only had myself to blame, I had pushed him away for so long, I suppose he didn't resist when a younger, more attractive model showed interest in him."

B'Elanna threw her fork on her plate and shouted loudly a great number of Klingon insults.


	4. Chapter 4

**Loosing You**

 **Chapter 4**

Kathryn was just stood naked wrapped in a towel rubbing second towel through her wet hair having just got out the bath. It was at that exact moment her comm terminal beeped in her sitting room signifying an incoming personal call. She glanced at her watch perched on the side of the bath and noted it was just after 8 in the evening. Smiling to herself she knew it would be B'Elanna. It had gotten quite regular over the last two weeks that B'Elanna would comm her in the evenings after Miral had gone to sleep. Discarding her towel that she was using to dry her hair she grabbed the glass of read wine and taking a sip she walked bare foot and still dripping wet wrapped in a towel she went to answer her comm call and tell B'Elanna she just needed 10 minutes to get dressed. As she pressed the button to answer her comm she stood and looked at the screen and took a sip of the wine as the picture flickered into view. However she wasn't met with the face of her half Klingon friend she was met with the face of another old friend. Her eyes turned dark as she met his eyes and lowered the glass from her lips suddenly feeling a lot more exposed than she would have had it been B'Elanna on the other end of the terminal. She could have kicked herself for not noticing that it was a long distance comm that was coming through. She didn't speak it was him who spoke first "Admiral Janeway, have I caught you at a bad time?" there was a hint of a amile on his lips as his eyes flickered slightly from her eyes down the whole view he could see where she stood wet wet and barley covered before him on the comm signal.

Tilting her head she pursed her lips and hissed at him "What do I owe this pleasure Mr. Chakotay?"

Flashing his eyes back up to her face and seeing nothing but anger there he coughed slightly as the hint of the smile faded from him though he noted she hadn't made any effort to cover herself further nor did she seem too embarrassed that her skimpily clad towel was leaving nothing to his imagination. "I wondered if we might talk."

Drawing her brows together and drawing one arm around her and taking another sip of her wine she didn't take her eyes off him as she asked "about what?"

"I wanted to apologise" Chakotay told her pulling on his ear in a slightly uncomfortable manner.

Kathryn raised an eyebrow at him and asked calmly "apologise? exactly what for"

Pulling on his ear Chakotay looked away slightly and asked "perhaps I should comm you at a more convenient time."

Sitting down slowly in front of the terminal Kathryn took a slow, long sip from her wine and looked at him over the rim of her glass. Slowly lowering her glass she asked him calmly "What makes you think I want to talk to you at all?"

"Kathryn please I am trying here."

Running her fingers through her wet hair Kathryn signed and nodded "Give me 30 minutes, then we can talk"

"Thank You Kathryn."

Kathryn was just finishing getting dressed when her comm terminal beeped again. Growling slightly she grabbed a hair tie and hurriedly tied her wet hair up loosely and taking a deep breath went to answer the comm. As she approached the terminal she realised it was coming from earth not a long range signal. Smiling she answered to be greeted by her friend "Lanna she smiled."

B'Elanna smiled back at her, she liked it when her friend called her Lanna, it was like her mother used to call her. Kathryn was a friend, confidant and mother all in one for B'Elanna. "Miral's just gone down. Tom's parents are taking her for the day tomorrow. I was wondering if you wanted to spend the day tomorrow shopping and doing normal things that don't involve a six week old baby?"

Kathryn laughed and shook her head "Grandpa Owen" she mused. Kathryn had always looked up to Tom's dad Owen Paris as a surrogate daughter her own father died, he was also a close friend and her first commanding officer. B'Elanna too laughed at the thought of the stoic admiral trying to entertain a quarter Klingon baby. "Of course I would come spend the day with you B'Elanna" smiled Kathryn "I have a meeting at Starfleet till 11 hundred hours but I can transport staright to you from there?"

"Your on" smiled B'Elanna "You've got a date"

These words through Katheryn back into the present and she gasped and looked at the time "Oh no!" she hissed "talking of dates I have to go!"

"What?" gasped B'Elanna "are you going on a date?"

Kathryn snorted "Not exactly" when B'Elanna looked confused Kathryn sighed and explained "Chakotay, he's going to comm me any moment now"

"that's new."

"he wants to apologise"

"For what?" growled B'Elanna "sleeping with Seven or being rude to you the other night"

"I have to go B'Elanna" Kathryn said with a hint of a crooked smile choosing to ignore her friends comments. "I'll comm you later" When B'Elanna looked angrily at her she insisted "I promise" B'Elanna scowled her before ending the comm signal.

It was only seconds before her comm terminal began to beep again with a long range signal. Brasing herself Kathryn answered the call and was once again met with Chakotay's face. He was smiling, she smiled slightly awkwardly back at him.


	5. Chapter 5

**Loosing You**

 **Chapter 5**

"It's good to see you admiral." Chakotay smiled pulling on his ear "thank you for agreeing to speak with me."

Kathryn raised her eyebrow and looked at him with certainty as she said "Always" Chakotay was surprised by her remark and tried not to show it as Kathryn went on "that is to say, I will always speak with you should you wish to speak with me." Chakotay went to reply when she added coolly "good communication is the key to a good relationship wouldn't you say Mr. Chakotay?"

Realising what she was getting at he pointed out in his defence "you were so unapproachable in the last few months."

"so you were going to tell me but it was _my_ fault you didn't is that what your getting at?"

"Firstly I was keeping nothing from you." Chakotay began.

"Oh so you _did_ tell me you were sleeping with Seven, I must have missed that memo!" She was raing her voice now and felt like she had to defend herself.

Sighing Chakotay added "Kathryn stop this"

"Stop what?!"

"can I start again?"

"Ok, Sorry Mr. Chakotay you wanted to say something?" Kathryn growled rubbing her forehead in frustration.

"I am sorry"

"for what exactly?" she asked him "so we are clear." She added when he looked insulted.

"not telling you that Seven and I are an item" he said confused as to why she wouldn't know what he was sorry for "had I known it would upset you I would have told you, we were simply trying to keep quiet until our future plans where in order."

Chakotay didn't miss the look of surprise as she spat at him "an item! Future plans?"

"Well yes Kathryn" he growled at her "What did you think?"

"I... well... I ... I thought you were just shagging her" Kathryn spluttered out wide eyed and holding back the tears.

Chakotay look furious at her "shagging her?" he spat back his anger boiling "What kind of a man do you think I am?" he hissed. Kathryn looked confused "I thought we were friends, best friends"

"so did I"

"so be happy for me, be happy I got what I finally wanted"

Kathryn coughed loudly as she spluttered "finally wanted?"

"a woman who appreciates me, who wants more from me than a nodding yes man, who loves me."

"I appreciate you!" Kathryn insisted "I want more for you than a nodding yes man." She shifted uncomfortablely as she added "I ... care for you Chakotay, a great deal." Even here, even now in the alpha quadrant she wouldn't bring herself to admit she loved him.

"You never showed any of those things" Chakotay reminded her "not since the Equanox"

Slowly she closed her eyes and gritted her teeth as she hissed "so what are your future plans with Seven?"

"See!" Chakotay exclaimed, "still even now you cant face it, you wont talk about it, about Equanox."

"what?" she exclaimed "what for?" standing she paced the room to get some distance even though he could still see her "why does it matter, your with Seven now"

"yes" he informed her "the leaset you could do is be the friend you claim to be and be happy for us"

"ok" she waved her hand at him and didn't stop her pacing "I am happy for you"

"you could sound it" Kathryn rounded on him death glare and hands on hips "what happened to you Kathryn?" Chakotay asked.

"What does that mean?"

"you used to be such a close fiend" Chakotay said deeply "you used to care and share in my joy, now your cold and distant."

"some joy I cant share in"

"well that's a shame" Chakotay remarked "Seven is set on you marring us"

"excuse me?"

Chakotay signed, I didn't want to ask you like this "Seven is coming here next week" Kathryn raised and eyebrow "she wants to settle off world with me, she wants to learn of my tribal customs"

"I see" said Kathryn as she slumped back in to her seat "you and Seven are getting married"

"yes" nodded Chakotay with his deep dimpled smile Kathyrn hadn't seen in a long time "We hoped you would do the ceremony"

"Me!" exclaimed Kathryn shocked.

"yes" agreed Chakotay "why not?"

"I can't" she shouted as tears welled up in her eyes "I might be busy, being an admiral takes up so much of my time" she added.

Chakotay looked hurt as she asked "You can't find time to help your dearest friend marry the woman he loves?"

"Loves!" her eyebrows shot up at the thought of it.

"well Kathryn I don't marry a woman I don't love" he sounded hurt "then again you seem to think I would have sex with any random woman without the intention of being with her"

"I did not say that!" Kathryn shouted

"as good as" he mumbled

"I don't understand?" she asked "I thought the issue was I chose to stay with Starfleet"

"don't flatter yourself Kathryn" he hissed angrily at her.

Kathryn looked hurt and taken aback as she hissed "excuse me?"

"you and I might have had a chance once, many years ago but I gave up a long time ago."

"this has nothing to do with you and I!" shouted Kathryn

"clearly not."

Rubbing her forehead she sighed saying, "I am happy she loves you, and you... love her... but I wouldn't be a friend if I didn't express my concern about how sudden this is. When is this wedding to be anyeway?" She did not sound convincing.

"Next month." He told her matter of fact.

Raising form her chair once more to hide her horror she gasped "next month!"


End file.
